I’ve been working on becoming a social creature. I recognized a while back that in order to better empathize with humanity it’s essential that I engage actual human beings and I’ve done that to some success. I have several acquaintances who I spend my nights around at the local coffee house or downtown at the bar scene. I typically do well discussing intellectual pursuits but I become awkwardly silent when the conversation turns to the frivolities of daily life. Some nights I’ll pretend somebody is calling me and walk away from the conversation with my cell phone to my ear so as to slip away under the cover of darkness without having to deal with accusations of pretentiousness or sanctimony. The truth is I just don’t know how to engage in this kind of discourse and I just can’t bring myself to try for long periods of time.

Sometimes the loneliness of not being able to relate to anybody around me is crippling. I spend some nights driving around slowly with my windows down inanely expecting that I’ll randomly stumble across an individual or group who might truly understand me. I realize that this is pathetic at best (and at worst, kind of creepy). This last-ditch effort on nights where I was unable to make any real connection leaves me exhausted and momentarily resigned to the idea that this emptiness is just a fundamental part of who I am. I hide my emotions and doubts well enough in public that others often ask why I’m so difficult to reach. But on these nights when I park back in my driveway at the end of my little exercise in futility I just shut my engine off and cry.